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I think this is better, but maybe you can let me know

August 30, 2013

Lately, I’ve been digging around in some of my old writing. Perhaps I’m looking for inspiration, or perhaps I just have a ton of it laying around and I want to see what’s worth keeping. Either way, this morning I came across half of a short story that I remember being really excited about when I started it, but that I obviously soured on over time considering I never finished it.

The reason for this was obvious. It wasn’t very well written. That said, I still kind of love the concept so I decided to try rewriting the opening to see I could make it better. The first draft had my main character doing a lot of “thinking” and “feeling,” meaning I was obviously trying to build a particular setting but was being lazy about it. I tried in the newest draft to build that setting without the character really thinking anything about it at all.

So here’s the “new” first couple of paragraphs:

In the dark alley, the man with the .38 slid his finger onto the trigger. The moon above and a street lamp across the street were the only notable sources of light, and together they seeped in and tossed misshapen shadows onto places where shadows wouldn’t normally be. A sliver of light crossed the face of another. He was on his knees, hands held high. The gun was heavier than the man holding it had remembered.

A single bead of sweat in the cool night slipped down his forehead. “I’ve got no other choice,” he said.

“Funny,” said the man on his knees. “Neither did I.”

I think it’s better like this, but let me know what you think. I’m hoping that this is interesting enough for people to want to keep reading the rest of the story.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 30, 2013 6:00 pm

    yes, i’d like to read more ) beth

    Like

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