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I don’t know what I’m doing, but dammit I’m still going to do it

April 26, 2012

I am lazy, and I am a procrastinator.

I’ve joked about it in the past, but the fact remains that both of those statements are entirely true. This is a problem, and I’m finally – at nearly 34 years old – fully admitting it.

Let’s consider some facts about me:

  1. I weigh about 250 pounds.
  2. At this moment, my “net worth” is negative $46,732.68 (the vast majority of this is student loan debt, but still).
  3. I want to be a writer, yet I hardly write at all.

The common thread in all three of those points is that I have done essentially nothing to improve upon any of them in my entire life. It’s a sad state of affairs.

Now, I don’t want this post to be a total downer. I’m a happy person, with great self-esteem, and a wonderful family and great friends. I have a good job which I mostly like. And I’m in a relationship with someone who is basically perfect for me (love you!). So it’s not like I’m feeling this great pressure that I fear will crush me, or that I’m about to crack under the stress and spiral down into oblivion. That said, I know I can be better than I am – and that I’m not better really irks me.

You see, for some time, I’ve had a growing sense that I’m going nowhere fast. However, for many years I’ve also labored under the false assumption that enjoying life means only doing the things that I enjoy and avoiding the things that I don’t. But it seems obvious now that this is not true. For instance, I could lose weight and be healthier if only I ate better and exercised more. In the long run, this would make my life better than it is. But I like junk food and don’t enjoy exercising, so I’m kinda fat. The same principles could be applied to my finances and my writing habits. Getting them in shape would make me feel awesome later on, but doing the work now for the payoff later is a bit of a drag.

So what am I going to do about this? I’m not entirely sure. I don’t have some grand plan that will solve everything. I’ve tried that before, and it doesn’t work. I’m very good at planning, but not very good at doing. Planning, of course, is the easy part – the hard work comes after. And we’ve already established that I’m not good at the hard work, so I’m not going to bother laying out a complicated plan.

I’m going to start small. I’m going to celebrate the small wins. For instance, yesterday I went running even though I didn’t feel like it. I had it scheduled as part of a training routine, and I did it. It turned out to be a great run, and I felt awesome after accomplishing it. And a month ago, my net worth was negative $46,974.04 – so I’ve made it $246.36 better. A small amount in the grand scheme, but heading in the right direction. And last night I finished a short story – the first one in a very long time. It’s a first draft, mind you, and it needs a lot of work. But it’s done, and I did it.

I don’t know if this means I’m going to be better next week, or the same, or maybe even worse; but I’m going to try either way. It’s all I can do. I’ll keep you posted.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Joanne Kelly permalink
    April 26, 2012 9:29 pm

    Proud of you!!!


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