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I belong on political talk shows because I am a laugh riot

October 17, 2011

I say some crazy shit when I’m alone in my car. But first, a background.

I’ve always struggled with capturing ideas on the go. I have these notebooks that I use which are nice if I happen to be carrying both one of them and a pen when an idea comes to me. Which I rarely do.

And I’ve also used apps on my various phones over the years, like Evernote and Springpad (both of which are great). But I found that it is kind of impossible to safely enter any ideas into them when I’m driving – and I get a lot of ideas when I’m alone and I’m driving.

So I’ve also tried voice notes for those cases, because than I can just talk and go back later to really capture the idea in a place where I can read it and make it useful. Except, of course, I almost never do that. Thus, I now have these hundreds of voice notes stored in various places and I have literally no idea what most of them are about.

Because of this, over the past few days I’ve decided to go back and listen to many of them; and to delete the majority of them which are likely crap. But also to sort of transcribe the ones that I still find interesting in order to make them more useful. Well, in the course of doing this yesterday I came across one note in particular that I found hilariously funny; and I decided to present it verbatim for you here so that you’re able to read the nutty things that sometimes populate my inner dialogue.

This particular voice note is from back in December of 2010. It must have been brought on by me hearing Sean Hannity say something on the radio that I found, as usual, utterly stupefying. My phone recorded it in Quicktime format (which is obnoxious), so I can’t do anything with it right now except listen to it directly through the Evernote app. If I can convert it somehow, I’ll add it to the end of this post for you to listen to as well. Enjoy:

I don’t know where this idea came from that, ah, you know, people like Sean Hannity or Glenn Beck or whatever must be smart guys, because – or George Bush, or whoever – you know, they must be smart guys because, look how successful they are? They must be smart guys, look how successful they are.

Wrong. Absolutely wrong. You know that’s just so false.

They have qualities that make them successful. Well, one of them does not have to be intelligence. Obviously. Sean Hannity’s an idiot. The man is a moron. And, you know, to be that far, and that illogical and ridiculous in his statements, the man is an idiot. He’s practically a savant. He’s like retarded. That’s what he is, he’s like a retard, but he’s a savant. He’s a talking-head savant. And so, I’m just not sure where that idea came from.

And to prove my point, think about your worst boss that you’ve ever had; and how many times during the time that you worked for them did you go, how did this fucking idiot get in the position he’s in? How is that even possible that this moron is more successful than I am right now? Like, how is that possible? And, that, everyone has had that experience. That’s everywhere.

So, you know, intelligence is not, unfortunately – I wish it were – an indicator of success.

Or more specifically, success is not an indicator of intelligence.

So, yes, I did just call Sean Hannity a retarded “talking-head savant.” And I think it’s justified, he’s an obviously successful political commentator who happens lack any real knowledge about political ideas.

The only explanation I can see for this is that he is the Rain Man* of American conservatism. Someone should throw a box of toothpicks at him and see how he reacts. I would totally do that, by the way. Which, along with my ability to think up crazy stuff off the top of my head, is why I absolutely belong on television.

*Note – While I’m not generally intent on apologizing for the things I say or write, please be aware that I do understand the differences between autism (which is what Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rain Man had) and other mental disorders. This is a humorous post and should be taken as such. Sorry if that’s not to your liking, but that’s life.

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