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5 reasons that I hate David Ortiz

August 5, 2011

I’m sitting here and the Yankees are losing 2-1 to the Red Sox. The score is unpleasant enough, but it’s made all the more so because of the presence of David Ortiz. I hate that guy, and here’s why:

  1. He is a clutch hitter on a team that I would, if given the opportunity, banish to the nether regions of the universe and erase all knowledge of their existence. Such a team, according to my own baseball rules, should not be allowed to have a such a player on it (this rule does not apply to Ted Williams, who was a curmudgeon and therefore deserves said banishment – although he didn’t deserve this).
  2. He has a persistent smile on his face. This suggests to me that he is either a very happy person, or some kind of psychopath. Since I cannot fathom how someone playing for the Red Sox could be happy, this must mean that he has heads in a freezer in his basement. In fairness, Andruw Jones is the same way, but he is a Yankee so he is to be forgiven for serial killing.
  3. He is bigger than me, and I have a natural fear of people who could pound me like a nail into the soft ground with their hammer-fist.
  4. He is in one of my favorite SportsCenter commercials. And because I hate all things Red Sox, having a favorite commercial that involves members of that team makes me feel dirty. You cannot know the struggle that I feel in my psyche when seeing it. It’s enough to drive a man insane (though not insane enough to put heads in my refrigerator – I’m no Andruw Jones…)
  5. He is most likely a really nice person who would be very fun to hang out with and who I would probably like. And that’s not how baseball is supposed to work. The best players and nicest guys MUST play for the Yankees at all times, I think that’s in some contract somewhere.

I’ll leave this here, even though it is the cause of much torment:

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