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Not everyone who eats veggie burgers is a weirdo, but I am

July 14, 2011

It’s time I let you in a little secret: I’m a total weirdo. I know, shocking, right?

Let me explain by using a meandering story in which groceries are purchased.

Today we went shopping, and I got some stuff to make veggie burgers for dinner (no I am not a vegetarian, but home made veggie burgers are the bomb – end of discussion). I picked up an onion, and a green pepper, and a can of black beans, and some kaiser rolls, and a few other little things. However, when we got home I realized that the oats (which are an essential part of the recipe) which I thought I already had in a cabinet were actually just a figment of my imagination. My reaction was as you would expect it would be.

Not wanting to go all the way back to the grocery store for oats, Michele suggested that I try the CVS down the road from us. I decided to call there first.

“Hello,” I said after navigating the menu to get to a human being. “Do you happen to sell Quaker Oats?”

“Yes,” said the helpful CVS employee. “We have them.”

A thank you and you’re welcome were exchanged, and I hung up the phone feeling better about the prospects of eating veggie burgers tonight.

It was at this point that my weirdness began to show it’s, well, weirdness.

After the phone call, Michele laughed and said, “That’s probably the only time anyone’s ever called there asking for oats.”

I laughed and agreed, smiling at the prospect of a random CVS employee saying to a coworker, “you’ll never believe what some guy just asked me if we sold.” And then I got up, grabbed the keys and headed out the door to buy those oats.

On the way to CVS though, which is about a mile away, I began thinking about how my exploratory oat phone call likely actually was the only time anyone had ever asked the girl on the phone if said oats were sold at her CVS. And then after that I proceeded to have a full on, imaginary conversation in my head with the potential CVS cashier about this fact.

“Oh, you’re the guy who just called to ask if we sold oats,” said the cashier.

“That’s me,” said I.

“It’s funny,” said the cashier. “No one’s ever called to ask that before.”

“I wouldn’t think so,” I said. “It’s just that I’m making veggie burgers tonight and I didn’t realize when I was at the grocery store that we didn’t have oats at home.”

“Do you make them yourself?”

“I do. They’re really easy to make.”

Then I go on to explain the process of preparing veggie burgers, and we exchange pleasantries, and I leave…

Now, please tell me if that isn’t totally fucking insane.

First of all, I have no idea why I have practice conversations in my head like this. And this is not a one time thing, I do it basically all the time. Secondly, I don’t really even like having actual small talk, so I’m flummoxed as to why in the world I would I pretend to have it before I’m in the situation of needing to have it. And third, the chances of that conversation actually taking place, when I think about it rationally, were almost nonexistent (as proved by the fact that it did not, in fact, happen). So why would I even feel the need to prepare myself in the first place?

The only explanation I can come up with is that I am a total crazy person with a very vivid, though often and obviously mundane, imagination. Instead of driving down the street wondering what I would do if aliens invaded (which is what a weirdo with a cool imagination might do), I think about potential things to say to random people who I may or may not meet, and who probably care as little about what I’m saying as I would about what they’re saying.

Like I said in the beginning, I’m a total weirdo.

Hopefully, I’ll find out someday that there are other people out there who do this same thing. I would feel better knowing that I’m not the only person. It wouldn’t make it any less weird, mind you, but it would at least mean I could feel more comfortable knowing someone somewhere may have had an imaginary conversation with me once. If so, I hope it went well for them and that I wasn’t a jerk.

Oh, and in case anyone’s wondering, here’s that veggie burger recipe.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Portia permalink
    July 14, 2011 2:26 pm

    You are not alone. I have imaginary hypothetical conversations in my head. All. The. Time.


    • July 14, 2011 2:32 pm

      Phew… I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Let’s each have an imaginary conversation about it. In mine I’m wearing earmuffs…


  2. July 14, 2011 9:28 pm

    I have random conversations with fictional and non fictional characters quite often myself. I worked in the Pharmacy at the CVS in Malta for years. I can actually (but don’t ask me why) recall a phone conversation about us carrying oats, among many other random and non-pharmacy related items during my time there. I think that my imaginary conversations may actually be an effect of my time spent there now that I think about it. My favorite random item request was for gun powder. Yup, thats right… Gun powder.

    “Of course sir, I don’t know if you are interested but we also sell strychnine and anthrax, would you like for me to set some a side for you, and how much of each?”

    “Oh, all of it will do, thank you for your time, i’ll cross you lovely folks off of my terror list”

    “Wonderful, i’m glad I could save myself, my fellow colleagues, and the neighboring places of business from your random act of terrorism in Malta, NY”

    “Tell your parents I said hi”

    “I sure will, take care now”



    • July 14, 2011 9:38 pm

      Yeah, now that I think of it, maybe being in the customer service industry does have something to do with it. I work at Barnes & Noble and have had some weird encounters there too. Gunpowder though? No. Although a guy did come in the other day looking for a book about what to do when technology fails. This was not an imagined conversation:

      Guy: “I’m looking for a book about what to do when technology fails.”

      Me: “Ok.” (looking it up and finding it) “Come with me, sir, and we’ll get that for you.”

      Guy: “Did you ever read this book?”

      Me: “Can’t say that I have.”

      Guy: “You should. What would you do if all our technology goes away and we have to live back in the stone ages with crazy mobs of people everywhere?”

      Me: “I could just lead the mobs.”

      Guy: Laughs nervously and walks away

      Me: “Take care, man.”

      True story. Thanks for the comment!


  3. Shumara permalink
    July 15, 2011 9:20 pm

    thank god there are others. I have conversations in my head with folk all the time, what would I say if they said this blah blah blah, and their reactions. I know I’m weird, I just didn’t know this is a trait all us weirdos share. Good to know….


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