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Black bear spotted in Niskayuna (probably) escaped from evil carnival (but maybe not)

July 26, 2011

I just read that a bear has been spotted near my parent’s house in Niskayuna, New York. Which is also where I am currently sitting. We’re hoping that he comes over to hang out for a while, as I think it would be cool to chill with a bear.

Also, all the news stories about it that I’ve checked out have been super boring – stating “just the facts” like real “journalists” do. Well, I’m not a real journalist dammit. So here’s my story – FOX News style, bitches:

A black bear has been terrifying residents of the small town of Niskayuna, New York over the past two days. His thunderous roars have been heard in multiple locations and, according to unnamed sources who may or may not be bear experts, this likely means that a coordinated bear attack of some kind is imminent.

(not actual bear seen in Niskayuna, but it surely looks something like this)

Police have commented that they plan to do nothing on the matter unless the bear shows “aggression,” a liberal position suggesting both cowardice and communist sympathies. A very small segment of the population (who will conveniently remain anonymous) believe that the Niskayuna police have always had anti-American leanings. That the department has refused to comment on the matter is telling. That no one has ever actually raised this claim before or asked them to comment on it is beside the point.

It is speculated that the bear may have escaped from some kind of evil carnival which arose from the depths hell, making it almost certainly a minion of Satan, though this is still unconfirmed. If this is found to be the case, however, it could mean that Armageddon is now upon us.

Who will rescue the faithful Christian citizens of  Niskayuna from this denizen of the dark lord’s army? Unfortunately, that remains to be seen. We’ll be asking Sarah Palin her opinion on the matter (it’s relevant because she’s from Alaska and they have bears) a bit later on.

I’ve named the bear, Barry. Because I think it’s fitting and I’m too lazy to think of a better one. I’m going in the pool now with my daughter. If we see the bear and live to tell about it, you’ll be the first to know.

After all: I report, you decide (or ignore, it’s really your decision).

3 Comments leave one →
  1. ann permalink
    August 2, 2011 1:41 pm

    Why is Schenectady and Niskayuna waiting until the bear attacks a dog or human? It should be moved before it gets aggressive or someone kills it for being on their property.

    • August 2, 2011 2:05 pm

      Well, in fairness, black bears are generally not aggressive. They’re more like scavengers. I’ve never even heard of a black bear attacking any one.

  2. MJ Goodman permalink
    September 25, 2012 11:27 am

    Why dont they just call in a damn swat team and helicopter like they did for a suicide threat? talk about over reacting . Niskayuna police have nothing to do and they are over paid

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